By DENNIS RAABE
Special for The Gazette
I had been married for several years before I realized that ours was a mixed marriage. I refer not to cultural, ethnic, or religious differences. Such differences are easily overcome by a couple who love each other, even more so if supported by family and friends. I'm speaking of a serious obstacle to marital bliss.
As newlyweds all our worldly possessions fit into the nooks and crannies of a '79 Sunbird and a '76 Plymouth Duster. I hardly noticed when subsequent moves required increasingly larger vehicles: a friend's truck, a pull-behind trailer, a moving truck and then the full-sized moving van. In retrospect I should have recognized the obvious signs. It wasn't until we settled down somewhat permanently in our spacious ranch, which mysteriously began to shrink soon after moving in, that I realized and had to face the awful truth.
My wife was a "saver" while I came from a long lineage of devout "throwers." For those who are confused I offer a simple definition. A "saver" is an individual who basically saves everything. As a "saver" you may save clothing that nobody will wear again, pictures of people you don't remember, furniture in various forms of disrepair, books you didn't enjoy reading the first time, a wide assortment of gadgets and gizmos you no longer know the purpose of, old garbage, used motor oil, as well as things in the refrigerator that are in the process of substantiating Darwin's Theory of Evolution.
"Throwers," on the other hand, yearn for simplicity and throw things away without a great deal of forethought or consideration for others. They could throw away an urn holding the remains of a cherished relative with the same detachment as a stack of last month's newspapers. "It was just taking up space and no longer served any purpose," they offer as a defense for their actions.
"Throwers" have difficulty coexisting with "savers" in large part because of the clutter. No matter how much countertop, drawer, closet or storage space you have, the "saver" will overfill it leaving the other spouse frustrated in attempts to maneuver through the organizational structure (or lack of it). "Savers" counter that they feel a genuine lack of respect from a spouse who would intentionally throw household items away without asking or consulting them first.
"Throwers" and "savers" must exercise special care and consideration in order to avoid living in a perpetual state of angst. With this in mind I offer some thoughts and suggestions from a "throwers" perspective on how to cope in a mixed marriage of this nature.
RULE ONE OF CLUTTER DISPOSAL: This rule has as a premise that there are countless objects and items in any house that have not been used in years. These items have long been forgotten about and nobody would have any purpose for using them now or any time in the future. This condition is both factual and indisputable. However, within days, if not hours, from the time the "thrower" has disposed of one of these items the "saver" will ask him if he has seen the object. If the "thrower" replies that he has not, the "saver" will have the audacity of accusing the "thrower" of throwing the object away. To my knowledge, and experience, there are no known exceptions to this rule. "Throwers" do well to reflect upon this rule prior to disposing of any item they consider to be clutter.
NEVER ASK: This is a waste of the "throwers" time. When asked, "savers" have a reason for saving everything. By asking if you can get rid of something you only serve to raise the suspicion of the "saver," making future clutter reduction attempts riskier.
PRACTICE STRATEGIC PLACEMENT AND CLANDESTINE PROCEDURES: Upon tossing an "unneeded" item into the trash bag, the inexperienced "thrower" may believe that an act of clutter reduction has been completed. The veteran "thrower" knows that the period from placement into the garbage to actually seeing the garbage man toss it upon his truck is when most clutter disposal attempts are thwarted. "Savers" have a symbiotic relationship with "tossed" items, which triggers a sixth sense that something is not right in the world. Inexplicably they will discover the items the "thrower" has placed in trash bags and garbage bags that normal people would not notice. Like clutter supermen with only nanoseconds to spare, they snatch items from the grasps of friendly sanitation engineers who are only trying to do their job. Each time a piece of clutter has been saved, they greet it as the return of the prodigal son and then pry and shove it back into the drawer, cupboard, or closet from whence it was liberated. The veteran thrower takes care to place items in the very bottom of the garbage bag and then to throw coffee grounds or old grease upon it to discourage detection. Another tip is to hide garbage bags under the steps, in the basement or in an attic until pick up day. (It is important to keep a written record of where garbage bags are hidden).
ARRANGE FOR "ACCIDENTS": It is easy to get rid of smaller items that take up space. If the "saver" asks about an item that has been disposed of, the "thrower" can deflect blame by indignantly stating, "I'm sure it's around here someplace. If you would go through and organize it is bound to show up." It is much more difficult to explain how furniture, appliances, or larger household items could just disappear. In such cases desperate measures are necessary. One technique is to move the item to the garage for storage. After several weeks and when the "saver" is safely out of view, "accidentally" run it over with the family car. When sharing the bad news of the "accident" with the "saver," act sincerely dismayed at the destruction of the highly valued potential family heirloom. Even the most notorious saver has difficulty justifying saving something that has been smashed to pieces under the wheels of the family car.
DENY VEHEMENTLY: If your spouse asks you if you have gotten rid of an item deny it vehemently. But be careful, you may get caught! I once took a pile a books that "nobody ever read" to the local thrift store. The very next day my wife asked if I had seen one of our son Adam's "favorite books." (See Rule One of clutter disposal). I vehemently denied seeing the book and only hesitantly admitted to knowing I had a son. For the next several months she constantly quizzed me on the whereabouts of the missing book. (I'm sure as a ploy to catch me off guard.) Each time she inquired I vehemently denied knowledge and after a while the inquiries became less frequent. My confidence soared as I believed I had successfully completed another act of clutter reduction. Or so I thought. Soon after my wife returned from the thrift store triumphantly holding a copy of the missing book in her hand. I vehemently denied taking the book to the store. "It could be anybody's book," I vehemently retorted. That was when my wife pointed out the inscription on the inside of the front cover, "To Adam from Aunt Debby. Christmas 1998." Oops!
WHEN POSSIBLE BE SENSITIVE: While "throwers" are well meaning they sometimes make big mistakes. As a child, a friend of mine began collecting molded plastic souvenirs of all the places he visited on family vacations. Over the years he accumulated quite a collection of molded plastic objects, some as ordinary as zoo animals and others highly prized such as replicas of the Statue of Liberty or Mount Rushmore. It wasn't long after being married that he came home to find his wife had "tidied up" and in the process his childhood collection had been reduced to a pile of multi-colored plastic bits. In her mind the collection was clutter that was just taking up space. From his perspective it was childhood memories that were being swept into the dustpan and thrown out with the trash. My friends are still married but to this day you can detect a slight tear in the eye of the "saver" whenever the clerk at the grocery store asks him "Paper or plastic?"