Here at The Gazette, we have our share of wacky moments. We decided to share some of them. If you don't like the "humor," then kindly refer to the title of this column. * * * GAZETTE HONORED: The Gazette was named the top weekly newspaper in Portage County by the Portage County Newspaper Association. Judges said, "This weekly newspaper has more local news in it than a daily newspaper." * * * CIRCUITIOUS ROUTE TO READER: Ron and Barb Walloch write from New Port Richey, Fla., that they finally received their Dec. 22 issue of The Gazette on Jan. 27. Before leaving Stevens Point, they had changed their mailing address so a paper would be waiting for them when they arrived in Florida. Well, the paper got to Florida, where on Jan. 3 (according to the label) it was redirected to Stevens Point because the Post Office had a forwarding address for them. Once the paper got to Stevens Point, it was sent back to New Port Richey on Jan. 18, where the Wallochs were forwarding their mail. The Wallochs aren't necessarily "enjoying" their stay, writing that they "have been doing our best to live 'thru' the coldest Florida January we ever had in 17 years!" * * * REWARDING BAD BEHAVIOR: Mark Chmura may have been found not guilty of criminal charges, but he sure doesn't qualify for a Medal of Honor like defense attorney Gerald Boyle says he does. Several critics have said they don't give out the military's highest award for charging into a hot tub full of drunken teenage girls. Those critics are right. Old No. 89 doesn't even qualify for the Good Conduct Medal. The persons who get the Medal of Honor also don't get paid millions of dollars to play a kid's game. While football players may risk blowing out a knee, no one is shooting at them and, after they put in their three hours of work on Sunday, they get to go home to a warm bed instead of a cold, muddy foxhole. * * * A SMALL WORLD: Former Gazette staffer, Mike Kemmeter, was covering the Chmura trial in Waukesha last weekend, including Chmura's press conference Sunday at a Waukesha hotel. The hotel, the Comfort Inn and Suites, was about a block-and-a-half away from the law office of Robert Habush. That's the accuser's lawyer, who may file a civil suit against the former Packer. * * * JUST A FACE: Media from Court TV, ESPN, Sports Illustrated and other national outlets were among the reporters in the press room at the Chmura trial. One "reporter" (as you would think by seeing him on TV) was there, but he only read the stories into the camera. Another person wrote the stories and then went over them with the man before the report was taped. * * * WAY OFF: The media had a "Jury deliberation pool" at the Chmura trial, but Kemmeter didn't do very well. He guessed 8.5 hours, while the jury reached a verdict in a little more than two hours. He said we should cut him some slack, though, because he had just finished covering a murder trial in Madison where jurors deliberated for more than 22 hours. * * * NO HAT? News of a state legislator's staffer allegedly attacking a Green Bay cameraman at the state Capitol made for some chatter among TV reporters and cameramen. One Madison cameraman noted that the staffer apparently grabbed the cameraman by the necktie. He wasn't sure whether it was more surprising that a cameraman was attacked or that a cameraman was wearing a tie. * * * FIFTY, SCMIFTY: So many Baby Boomers are turning 50 these days that they ought to have one big party and get it over with. They're getting so old that too many parties will take years off their lives. * * * IT HAPPENS: Yes, it happens. People get old. One day you're in the principal's office, getting yelled at, the next day the personnel director is explaining your retirement benefits. One day you're receiving First Communion, the next day you're planning your funeral. One day you can touch the rim, the next day you can't reach the net. * * * A HAIRLESS SITUATION: If those hair-growing remedies actually worked, you'd think there'd be fewer guys walking around with shiny spots on their heads. Actually, people don't go bald. The hair just grows in other places. Some guys with bald heads have a nice crop of hair in their ears, or on their backs. * * * YOUTH IS WASTED: Of course, the nice thing about growing old is you have learned that the world doesn't revolve around you. It makes life easier. Pity the poor young people, foolish enough to believe they'll stay that way forever and dumb enough to waste time accordingly. * * * SOME NEVER LEARN: Then again, some people never learn that they aren't the center of the earth. They're the ones who talk loudly on cell phones in the middle of restaurants, don't wait their turn at four-way stops, jump ahead in line whenever they can and treat helpless service people like dirt. We can only hope it's true that the first shall be last. * * * OK, WE WON'T GO: A local traveler notes that it was a bit disconcerting the other day to sit in an airplane at Central Wisconsin Airport and watch as the pilot futilely tried to start one of the plane's engines. No one argued when the pilot announced that since he couldn't start the engine, he wouldn't try to fly the plane. Have you ever spent three hours at Central Wisconsin Airport? It's pretty restful, really, since there's hardly anyone else around. * * * "VERTIGO" INTEGRATION: If a local business rumored to be for sale actually is sold, it'll take a long time to learn all the new names. Heck, a lot of people still call I-39 Highway 51. Locally, Copps has been rumored to be on the sale block for so long that some tightwads are running out of food waiting for new owners to come in and announce a "say hello" sale. One of the companies reported to be interested in Copps is named Schnucks, or something like that. That's Schnuck, not schmuck. Really, these new names take some getting used to. A scientific study shows that it could take up to 20 years for people in Port Edwards to learn the name of the new owners of the paper mill there. Unfortunately, the way things go, just about the time people learn the new name, the company is sold again. And to think this all started innocently enough with McDonald's. * * * BACK IN BUSINESS: Now that Mark Chmura has been acquitted of raping a 17-year-old child, he can go back to doing what he does best, being a hypocritical jerk. Here's the guy who wouldn't visit President Clinton because he didn't like Clinton's morals. From the looks of things, they probably had quite a bit in common, except that Clinton chased 19 year olds while Chmura liked younger types. * * * NO NEW TREND, PLEASE: Now that Chmura has been acquitted, let's hope this doesn't start a new trend, with men in their 30s and 40s regularly attending late-night high school graduation parties. In the old days, guys that age were chaperones at events like that, not participants. * * * A "GOOD" ATTORNEY: Well, Gerald Boyle, Chmura's attorney, is quite famous these days. He's obviously a "good" attorney. It is quite an accomplishment to be able to say you represented Mark Chmura and Jeffrey Dahmer. Certainly a measure of success. * * * STARTERS: Come to think of it, the Packers' Super Bowl receivers a few years back gave new meaning to the word "lineup." You had Chmura at tight end, with Antonio Freeman and Andre Rison at wideouts. Gees, if James Lofton would have still been around, the Green Bay Police Department would have had to add a couple of dozen officers. * * * COMPACT LIVING: There's a lot of good reasons to live in town, instead of succumbing to urban sprawl, and actually working in the community where you live. One is if you're at work on Jan. 31 and realize you have 15 minutes left to pay your property taxes, you can drive home, rummage through a pile of bills and make it to the County-City Building with five minutes to spare. Another reason to buy a house in a long-established neighborhood is the reduced risk of someone building a power plant next door to you. * * * SPRING IS NEAR: The groundhog may have seen his shadow on Feb. 2, meaning another six weeks of winter. But spring must really be close. This week the sign at Belt's was changed to "now hiring." That's a sure sign spring is close. However, no one has camped out or begun standing in line waiting for the opening. * * * SUPER BOWL WEEKDAY: Broadcasts of the Super Bowl traditionally cause a strain on sewage systems around the country because so many people flush their toilets during commercials. We're wondering about the impact on the local system on Tuesday when toilets in the County-City Building started to continually flush and wouldn't stop. Of course, toilets can afford to pay for all the water they're using. After all, they're flush. * * * A DRIVE-IN BREAKFAST PLACE: Rumors are swirling about a new business coming into the area, Dukey's Drive-Tru. An area resident who eats "Eggos" every morning before work reportedly is looking at opening a drive-in after retiring. Will the slogan be "Egg In, Egg Out"? * * * LUCKY RETIREE: The recent retirement party of one area worker was held at a casino, and who should be a lucky winner but the retiree, hitting a jackpot of $1,600. Was the game rigged for the retiree to entice return visits during retirement, thereby depleting savings?