By JIM SCHUH
of The Gazette
Last week, I wrote that although flush toilets may have been appeared before the 20th Century, I thought they were one of man's greatest inventions. But since it was only during the past 100 years that they became actual household realities, I felt we should count them among the century's greatest innovations.
Toilets and my ancestry kind of go together. My father and his father before him, were in the plumbing business. I broke ranks, and strayed into broadcasting instead. That was probably a bad move financially. I retired from radio earlier this year, but now I can look back and see some similarities between plumbing and broadcasting: some of what's on the air today belongs in the sewer.
Anyway, I remember my paternal grandfather, Jacob, a Prussian type who had the ability to make everybody jump whenever he spoke. We just knew his words meant business.
It's understandable because Jacob had nine children - including five boys - and all were full of mischief. I remember hearing about grandpa parking his Pierce-Arrow in the garage, and putting a peanut under one tire.
That's because he didn't trust his boys and wanted to know whenever they took the car out at night without his consent. On at least one occasion, the boys removed the peanut, opened the garage door and pushed the car down the alley before starting it, far from Jacob's ears. They reversed the process when they returned home. I seem to recall hearing that when Grandpa Schuh became suspicious, he used peanuts under more than one tire and fooled his boys.
Anyway, Jacob was a plumbing contractor and was one of the first to have some of life's true conveniences. He installed a pump system at his cottage at Pewaukee Lake, to bring running water into the house, quite a nice touch. But I remember bathrooms at his cottage and at his city house where he kept old-fashioned flush toilets. The bowls were pretty much the same as today's models, but the seats and tanks were wooden. The tanks sat high on the wall, perhaps 10 feet up. To flush the contraptions, you would pull the chain, and the water in the tank would rush down a pipe, into the bowl, and wash everything away. That still doesn't seem like a bad idea today, and I just found out that you can still get them.
Many people say we Americans aren't able to buy toilets today that flush properly any longer. In an effort to conserve water, the government has mandated that manufacturers produce toilets that use less water than the older models. Some of the latest creations even use water under pressure to accomplish the flushing procedure.
I mentioned last week that there's a thriving toilet smuggling business going on, with people sneaking Canadian toilets across the border to sell to Americans who want a toilet with a decent flush.
In New Zealand, and perhaps elsewhere in the world, some common sense seems to have prevailed when it comes to toilets. Theirs don't have flush levers, they have two buttons on top of the tank lid. One is for a half-flush, and the other provides a full flush. A person with ordinary intelligence can pretty much figure out which button to use, and when.
I can't understand why those WCs haven't become all the rage over here. Maybe the International Dateline is in the way.
In Greymouth, New Zealand, we came upon a royal blue toilet with a flower design embedded in the porcelain. It was almost too pretty to use for its appointed purpose. But the memorable tank and bowl combination was the only one like it that we came across.
A few other toilet notes: My wife tells me the stalls in the New Zealand women's toilet were nearly floor-to-ceiling, providing considerably more privacy than users find in this country. And in some of the men's toilets, the urinals were wide stainless steel models that could accommodate three users at once.
We visited the Chard Farm Winery near Queenstown in New Zealand, and there we came upon one of the more interesting toilet seats we've ever seen. My dad used to joke about getting a fur-lined seat for ultimate comfort. But this one sported a realistic design featuring a single strand of barbed wire that looked as if it were sitting on top of the seat, ready to inflict pain. I'm sure almost everyone using the facility for the first time reached down to touch the seat before settling in. Check out the accompanying picture. And no, I don't know where to get one. You might write to Chard Farm Winery, Chard Road, Queenstown, New Zealand, and ask where they bought theirs.
You may reach Jim Schuh at the Gazette, or by e-mail at jpschuh@excite.com.