By JIM SCHUH
of The Gazette
What's in a name?
I was looking at a few lists of currently popular baby names and was heartened to see that many parents of new boys have chosen "Bible" names for their offspring. Sure, there are a few clunkers in the list, but overall, today's moms and dads have done well. And while some like some girls' names with religious flavor - "Faith," "Hope" and "Grace" for example, there are exceptions.
As I went down the list, I found odd names - names that sound like chemical ingredients, plastic components or cereal additives ("Kaden" or "Jada"), or names of disgraced or ill-behaved personalities - like Madonna. We've become a nation that looks to "stars" and even luxury products for our kids' names. I can't figure out why people want to saddle their babies with such burdens. What are these peculiar progenitors thinking?
I find that some parents think it's cute and even chic to name their girls after expensive Japanese cars - Lexus and Infiniti. Or after hair coloring - L'Oreal. Or after perfume - Chanel. Goofy boys names include "Cartier," "Timberland" and "Porsche." Maybe the dumbest of the lot is "Guinness," the Irish stout or maybe the book of world records.
There also are parents who insist on peculiar spellings for generally normal and common names. Like "Gerome" for Jerome. "Antoine" in all its forms is the worst. These people aren't showing much regard for junior's future teachers, who not only have to remember screwy names, but how to spell them or face the wrath of parents.
If you're having a child soon and want to select an odd name, forget all those books filled with "normal" children's names. Don't go to the Bible, either. Instead, click on "rosters" on the National Football League's Web page. I went there to check for unusual names, and began with the Baltimore Colts, who happened to be first on the list. I found "Aubravo" (sounds like the audience cheer at an Italia opera); "Javin" (that seems like an Olympic event); "Edgerton" (it belongs on a southern Wisconsin map); "Riddick" (maybe his middle name is "Ulice"); and "Adalius" (an apparent contraction of the Christmas song, Adeste Fidelis).
Then I went to the last team alphabetically, the Washington Redskins, and discovered "Zeron" (sounds like an evil villain in one of those low-budget Japanese sci-fi movies); "Kenyatta" (the surname of a late African leader); "Darnerian" (the speeding driver "darnerian" ran me over); and "Armegis" (an inflammation of the arm). There also was "Lavernanues" (a derivative of lavatory) and "Champ" (his parents obviously thought he'd make his name in boxing).
I also randomly chose a team in the middle of the alphabet - the Minnesota Vikings - and found they had lots of players with really good football names, like Moe, Max, Gus, Kenny, Matt, Greg, Chris, Nate, Adam, Mike and Ben. But there were a few unusual ones, too - "Rushen" (a cornerback rather than what should be an obvious position for him: running back); "Onterrio" (should be playing in the Canadian Football League); and "Raonall" (sounds like a very strong synthetic fiber).
I checked one more at random - the Denver Broncos, and certainly wasn't disappointed. I found "Atnaf" (the soft drink "Fanta" spelled backwards); "Jarious," "Jamain," and "Jashon" (ingredients in man-made concoctions), and my favorite, "Monsanto" (from the big chemical company's label on a can of weed killer). It made me think of a report I once saw about a mother who was reading about venereal disease in the obstetrician's waiting room, and decided then and there to name her new twins "Syphilis" and "Gonorrhea."
Over to the NBA, which lists its players' names all in one spot. "Zarko," "Zendon" and "Zaza" all sound ominous and evil; "Devean" (something you do with shrimp before eating them); "Moochie" (a borrowed name). How about "Popeye," "Bimbo" and "Speedy?" All three play in the league. One I really love is Ruben Boumtie Boumtie (it makes me think of bouncing up and down on grandpa's lap).
The National Hockey League has lots of foreign players, and they have names that are relatively common in their native lands, but a bit unusual to us. There are plenty of French Canadian players, but French names are not very popular in this country just now. So "Sylvain," "Benoit", "Luc" "Pascal" and "Mathieu" are out-of-favor. But there are others many with good Nordic or Slavic roots - "Magnus," "Maxim," "Sergei," "Rostislav," "Bronko" and "Pavel" that are interesting. So are "Jarkko," "Mikka," "Lasse," "Teemu" and "Tuomo" - all Finnish appellations.
As you may have noticed, all the names in the previous five paragraphs are for boys. Seeking balance, I checked the Women's NBA roster for some samples. One that popped out at me was "Delisha" (a truly delectable name). I also found "Octavia," "Rushia" (she needs to meet Rushan of the Minnesota Vikings) "Shalonda" and "Ukari." But my favorites - both first names - are "Slobodanka" and "Shaunzinski." I'm just kidding.
If I heard you were choosing any of these for your newborn, I'd question your mental well-being. Being the son of a plumber, I'm now waiting for someone to name her daughter "Latrina."
Note: Last week, I mentioned buying headache powders down South. Alfred Sankey of Plover tells me he's been buying them for six years at Wal-Mart in Stevens Point.