By JIM SCHUH
of The Gazette
When Martha and I were in Alabama before Christmas, I had some time to watch daytime television from Birmingham, the state's largest city. Ugh.
Sandwiched within courtroom shows featuring Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mills Lane, "Divorce Court" and talk shows like Rikki Lake and Montel were several distasteful commercials. Doesn't it always seem that the worst TV ads are the ones that get jammed down our throats the most!
The shows I mentioned are bad enough, but when disgusting spots join the mix, the natural inclination is to throw up. I think they call it "hurling" these days.
Consider the two-minute ad hawking tarot card reading by Cleo, the Jamaican-accented psychic who tells us "the cards never lie." It also runs on channels available here. There she sits in front of burning candles, turning the cards as she asks the caller questions general enough to elicit the answers she seeks. The two-minute ad urges us to call to learn what the future holds, and at the bottom of the screen is the clever come-on, "The first 3 minutes are free." Do you really think you will learn anything during the first three minutes of your call? It's hard to do that while you're on hold!
The tiny print also admonishes that callers must be at least 18 years old. And there's a disclaimer that says the whole thing is "for entertainment purposes only," basically admitting that the whole thing is nonsense. How many people who are silly enough to believe a pushy, accented lady with a head scarf turning up cards can foretell your future? Apparently enough to keep the outfit in business. And running those awful ads.
There's another 2-minute spot hustling a set of 100 songs for children for $25. Don't get me wrong - I'm not against children - but with this TV offer, the Time-Life people are carrying out a plot to turn people who buy these tapes or CDs insane.
The next time you see the ad, think of what it would be like to be forced to listen to 100 kids songs by the same somewhat off-key puerile singers. If you just listen to the ad a few times, you won't ever want to hear those kid singers again. Not that the songs are bad, or that the vocalists are so terrible - it's just that 100 kid songs back-to-back are more than anyone can handle - except kids. Think of how electronic beeps from kids' toys already drive you nuts!
Then consider what it would be like having to listen to 100 songs that allsound the same - sort of like listening to 100 bagpipe songs. And I guarantee any youngster who gets these recordings will play them all, over and over again.
Birmingham TV also runs plenty of ads that prey upon low-income folks, and they make me sick. There are spots for auto title loan firms, showing a lady pawning her car to get cash to waste on holiday gifts that she obviously can't afford. There are perhaps a dozen law firms urging people to sue if they've been injured on the job or in a wreck or if they were denied Social Security benefits. Other law firms hustle their services in connection with repossessions, garnishments and foreclosures. Legal, but distasteful.
We all know TV stations love hype - and down south, some of it has crept shamelessly into newscasts. Stations in this area can't hold a candle to those in the Birmingham market, which hype themselves in every commercial break - often more than once.
Within an evening newscast, one station even staged a $100,000 cash donation ceremony from Alabama Power to the Red Cross, following the vicious tornado that decimated parts of the Tuscaloosa area. During his report, the news anchor reached into an inside pocket to pull out a check to hand to a Red Cross VP - leaving the impression that his station should take some of the credit for the donation. Yuck.
TV commercials - while invasive - can be effective, but if they're humorous or loud and grating, their productive lifespan is much shorter than "regular" ads. There comes a time when these spots cease to be effective and become obnoxious and finally incompetent. That's when repeated broadcasts do the product or service more harm than good.
Sometimes, humorous ads distract the viewer from the main message, and when the spot is finished, the viewer has no idea what the ad was for. Many advertisers apparently don't realize these things, because they keep running the same old spots over and over.
I'm hoping broadcasters and some advertisers have made New Year's resolutions not to insult our intelligence with ads this year. I'd love to collar those who don't, lock them in a room, and bombard them nonstop for a day or two with those 100 kids songs. Or make them listen to Cleo, the tarot card reader. I'm certain it would get my point across!
You may reach Jim Schuh at The Gazette, or by e-mail at jpschuh@excite.com.