Commentary - pcgazette.com

Commentary
pcgazette.com

Recipes cook up humor

By JIM SCHUH
of The Gazette
When I began writing newspaper columns more than two-and-a-half years ago, I promised myself that I'd never resort to doing one on recipes. Although you'll find a few in this column, I still feel true to my pledge. You'll see why.

When I was on the radio with Pat Shanahan, as a service to parents of kids with finicky tastes, he'd broadcast school lunch menus for many area districts about 6:45 each weekday morning. That helped mom or dad decide whether to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for junior, who might turn up his nose at the school's midday meal.

For nonparents or those whose kids were out of school, listening to a recitation of school meal offerings could be a tune-out. So to counter that, Pat invented two schools and came up with some unusual lunchtime offerings, dropping those menus in with the real list.

His two phony educational institutions were High-Falutin Technical Institute, and Rudolph Area Senior High, or "RASH," as he called it. The technical college featured a chef who served daily epicurean delights - vittles worthy of presentations from a four-star Paris restaurant. Pâté de foie gras was a regular lunchtime offering.

RASH, on the other hand, had a menu-challenged cook who had serious problems complementing his offerings. Chocolate-covered sardines and sauerkraut with whipped cream are the types of dishes students at RASH faced at midday.

To help come up with such disgusting combinations, Pat enlisted creative assistance from his son, Joel, and I occasionally would provide a few suggestions. The way I'd do it was to list a number of slightly unusual foods in one column, and another set of goofy items in a second column. From there, it was a simple matter of matching an item from column A to one in column B.

Pat's combinations made it fun to listen to the lunch menus, even if you had no interest in what area districts were serving.

Anyway, last week on a trip to Alabama, my wife's cousin, Ann, gave us a holiday cookbook from a Huntsville TV station that's been putting them together at Christmastime for four years. WHNT-TV asks viewers to submit recipes, and many respond with favorites or old family concoctions. As we paged through the book, we came across a few I thought I should pass along to you, since Christmas is nigh, and you may not get to see the book.

Right there, on page 268, is a gem - for cookies to bake and leave for Mr. and Mrs. Santa on Christmas Eve. The lady who submitted the recipe must have been really angry with the man in the red suit, and wanted to see him "on the run." If she left these cookies for Santa, he'd never return. I think you'll agree this recipe would produce enough missile fuel to propel Santa back to the North Pole long before he finished his appointed rounds:

"Christmas Castor Oil Cookies for Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus."

One cup sugar

One cup molasses

Two cups milk

One-half cup castor oil

One-half teaspoon baking soda

Two teaspoons ginger

One teaspoon salt

Flour

Eva West of Huntsville says to mix the sugar, molasses, milk, castor oil, baking soda, ginger, salt and enough flour to make a soft dough. Roll it out on a floured surface, and cut in any desired shape. Bake at 350 degrees until light brown. This must be a serious recipe - after all, the New York Times owns the TV station, and certainly wouldn't publish anything bogus. Besides, a similar recipe on the Internet notes that two cookies equal one dose of castor oil.

Without a doubt, Pat Shanahan would have loved to work these high-powered cookies into his list of midday meal offerings. The school serving them would have had to schedule plenty of potty time the following day.

The cookbook offers another rocket fuel recipe - for pecan pie that includes pinto beans. You can make this flatulent favorite by using:

Three cups sugar

One cup mashed pinto beans

Four eggs, beaten

One cup chopped pecans

One cup coconut

Four teaspoons vanilla

Two sticks melted butter

Mix all the ingredients, and pour into three unbaked pie shells. Bake at 300 degrees for one hour.

(I suggest that as soon as you put the pies in the oven, you leave the room and take cover to avoid injury from the impending explosion.)

Since nobody really wants to try either of the two recipes above, here's one that doesn't look so bad, although it's something few of us in potatoland might imagine - potato candy:

One small potato

One box powdered sugar

One-half stick butter

One-half teaspoon vanilla

Peanut butter

Boil, drain and mash the potato. Mix with powdered sugar and butter. Add vanilla. Roll mix onto thin wax paper. Spread with peanut butter and then roll up like a jelly roll, using wax paper. Chill and cut into thin slices.

By the way, if you decide to try any of these, I disavow any responsibility for the outcome, or for any subsequent related events. Happy holiday cooking!

You may reach Jim Schuh at The Gazette, or by e-mail at jpschuh@yahoo.com.



	Recipes cook up humor By JIM SCHUH of The Gazette When I began writing newspaper columns more than two-and-a-half years ago, I promised myself that I'd never resort to doing one on recipes. Although you'll find a few in this column, I still feel true to my pledge. You'll see why. When I was on the radio with Pat Shanahan, as a service to parents of kids with finicky tastes, he'd broadcast school lunch menus for many area districts about 6:45 each weekday morning. That helped mom or dad decide whether to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for junior, who might turn up his nose at the school's midday meal. For nonparents or those whose kids were out of school, listening to a recitation of school meal offerings could be a tune-out. So to counter that, Pat invented two schools and came up with some unusual lunchtime offerings, dropping those menus in with the real list. His two phony educational institutions were High-Falutin Technical Institute, and Rudolph Area Senior High, or "RASH," as he called it. The technical college featured a chef who served daily epicurean delights - vittles worthy of presentations from a four-star Paris restaurant. Pâté de foie gras was a regular lunchtime offering. RASH, on the other hand, had a menu-challenged cook who had serious problems complementing his offerings. Chocolate-covered sardines and sauerkraut with whipped cream are the types of dishes students at RASH faced at midday. To help come up with such disgusting combinations, Pat enlisted creative assistance from his son, Joel, and I occasionally would provide a few suggestions. The way I'd do it was to list a number of slightly unusual foods in one column, and another set of goofy items in a second column. From there, it was a simple matter of matching an item from column A to one in column B. Pat's combinations made it fun to listen to the lunch menus, even if you had no interest in what area districts were serving. Anyway, last week on a trip to Alabama, my wife's cousin, Ann, gave us a holiday cookbook from a Huntsville TV station that's been putting them together at Christmastime for four years. WHNT-TV asks viewers to submit recipes, and many respond with favorites or old family concoctions. As we paged through the book, we came across a few I thought I should pass along to you, since Christmas is nigh, and you may not get to see the book. Right there, on page 268, is a gem - for cookies to bake and leave for Mr. and Mrs. Santa on Christmas Eve. The lady who submitted the recipe must have been really angry with the man in the red suit, and wanted to see him "on the run." If she left these cookies for Santa, he'd never return. I think you'll agree this recipe would produce enough missile fuel to propel Santa back to the North Pole long before he finished his appointed rounds: "Christmas Castor Oil Cookies for Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus." One cup sugar One cup molasses Two cups milk One-half cup castor oil One-half teaspoon baking soda Two teaspoons ginger One teaspoon salt Flour Eva West of Huntsville says to mix the sugar, molasses, milk, castor oil, baking soda, ginger, salt and enough flour to make a soft dough. Roll it out on a floured surface, and cut in any desired shape. Bake at 350 degrees until light brown. This must be a serious recipe - after all, the New York Times owns the TV station, and certainly wouldn't publish anything bogus. Besides, a similar recipe on the Internet notes that two cookies equal one dose of castor oil. Without a doubt, Pat Shanahan would have loved to work these high-powered cookies into his list of midday meal offerings. The school serving them would have had to schedule plenty of potty time the following day. The cookbook offers another rocket fuel recipe - for pecan pie that includes pinto beans. You can make this flatulent favorite by using: Three cups sugar One cup mashed pinto beans Four eggs, beaten One cup chopped pecans One cup coconut Four teaspoons vanilla Two sticks melted butter Mix all the ingredients, and pour into three unbaked pie shells. Bake at 300 degrees for one hour. (I suggest that as soon as you put the pies in the oven, you leave the room and take cover to avoid injury from the impending explosion.) Since nobody really wants to try either of the two recipes above, here's one that doesn't look so bad, although it's something few of us in potatoland might imagine - potato candy: One small potato One box powdered sugar One-half stick butter One-half teaspoon vanilla Peanut butter Boil, drain and mash the potato. Mix with powdered sugar and butter. Add vanilla. Roll mix onto thin wax paper. Spread with peanut butter and then roll up like a jelly roll, using wax paper. Chill and cut into thin slices. By the way, if you decide to try any of these, I disavow any responsibility for the outcome, or for any subsequent related events. Happy holiday cooking! You may reach Jim Schuh at The Gazette, or by e-mail at jpschuh@yahoo.com.