By JIM SCHUH
of The Gazette
Some weeks back, The Wall Street Journal reported about people who think nothing of driving away from the pump, sneaking onto golf courses to play and speeding through a toll booth - all without paying. They're the same type of people who "buy" a dress on Friday, wear it to a big party on Saturday, and return it for a refund on Monday. Others of their ilk swipe attractive ashtrays from restaurants, or stuff their purses with dinner rolls or packets of sweetener.
I once heard that the hotel in Weyauwega discontinued Sunday brunch because some women customers carried large purses filled with Baggies so they could grab extra shrimp from the buffet to take home.
The funny thing is that almost all these people could afford to pay for what they steal. The newspaper article suggested some of these folks might be protesting against poor service or high prices, or might feel they haven't received their due during the recent economic boom. But it all adds up to one simple fact: they're thieves.
Transgressions aren't limited to such blatant acts - otherwise upright people often snitch things and don't feel they're doing anything wrong.
You may have encountered them in the supermarket. I've talked to some food store executives and personnel who tell stories most of us find difficult to believe. Whether these customers are just stupid or thoughtless, or whether they're displaying chutzpa (brazen nerve) is anyone's call.
Some of these people feel they have an open invitation to eat anything that's loose in the store. They help themselves to doughnuts, bagels or anything else accessible to the customer. Without paying, of course.
A supermarket official told me that when the store offered bulk candy in a bin, allowing customers to scoop out and bag what they wanted to purchase, some folks would grab a handful, pick out their favorite pieces and eat them, and then throw the rest back in the bin.
You can find some really obnoxious customers in the produce department. Many display no propriety or regard for anyone else but themselves. They often leave their shopping carts in the middle of the aisle so no one can pass without pushing their cart aside. Then they stand in front of a produce selection in such a way as to prevent access by anyone else. (I hope you're not one of these mindless creatures, but if you are and these words insult you, you deserve as much humiliation as I can heap upon you.)
Produce employees can tell you some pretty incredible stories about creeps who mess up the place, despite employees' best attempts to make the fruits and veggies attractive. I'm sure you've witnessed some bad behavior between the asparagus and the broccoli.
I recently saw a rather well dressed lady in her 40s feeling the heads of lettuce, seeking a solid one to buy. That's something most of us do - we don't want to get home with a head of leaf-wrapped air. Before she found one she liked, she had groped each head and literally threw it to the back of the heap, no doubt bruising the outer layers. Duh.
My wife tells of two ladies who stood in front of the grapes, so that no one else could get close to them. They were opening the plastic bags, tasting grapes from each one. My wife thought to herself that she didn't really want to buy a bag of grapes after these two had been sticking their wet, spitty fingers in each bag. (This is yet another reason to wash your produce when you get home - these two women may have introduced something worse to the grapes than any insecticide the grower used.)
A friend told me about a woman who showed up at the checkout with a bunch of bananas, including the skin from one. It turns out she had given her child a banana to eat in the store. Gutsy, don't you think? I wonder how the clerk charged her for the fruit in her kids' stomach. I've heard of other mothers who think nothing of taking a can of pop off the shelf for their brat to drink while traipsing up and down the aisles, spilling some of it on the floor in the process.
How about those people who help themselves to bulk peanuts? Another friend tells of watching someone crack open peanuts, eat them and then discard the shells back into the pile. Classy folks.
Merchants are loath to confront these people because the losses aren't significant, and they don't want to alienate customers in today's competitive atmosphere. But my guess is that these people act badly wherever they go, and the supermarkets wouldn't be risking much by tossing these customers out.
I've tried to think of ways within the law to humiliate these people, but I haven't found success yet. My brother-in-law suggested shouting to them, "Are you through grazing?" I'd appreciate any suggestions from you.
You may reach Jim Schuh at The Gazette, or by e-mail at jpschuh@excite.com.